


They've Made Me Ugly

by SamuelJames



Category: Whitechapel (TV)
Genre: Body Confidence Problems, Fandom Stocking 2016, Fandom Stocking Filler, Joe Discussing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 06:18:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9165736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamuelJames/pseuds/SamuelJames
Summary: Emerson is nervous about his developing relationship because of his striping scars.





	

**Author's Note:**

> _**Title:** They've Made Me Ugly_   
>  _**Pairing:** Joe Chandler/Emerson Kent_   
>  _**Rating:** 15+_   
>  _**Summary:** Emerson is nervous about his developing relationship because of his striping scars._   
>  _**Notes:** Written for Eriah211's fandom stocking. The stocking expressed a liking for angst with a happy ending. The title is courtesy of Jonathan Harvey's Beautiful Thing_   
>  _**Disclaimer:** This transformative work has been created purely for entertainment purposes. No profit is made or sought. No copyright infringement is intended._   
>  _**Archiving Information:** Please do not archive elsewhere on the net or in other formats/languages._

He likes Joe a lot and especially likes the way Joe is smiling at him. This is the fifth time Emerson has had dinner here now and if he's counting, so is Joe. It's not like once they pass a certain number of dinners that he'll automatically be okay with taking things further. Last time they briefly discussed the option of his staying over but Joe had graciously allowed a change of subject. Emerson wants to, he likes the idea of being intimate with his gorgeous boss but what if he's repulsive? There hasn't been anyone since the striping and the scars that feel like huge ridges to his fingertips can't be attractive.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes. I'm sorry, just thinking."

Joe leans over and kisses him quickly. "Nothing too serious I hope."

Shaking his head, Emerson smiles. He gestures towards his empty wine glass. "Think that might have pushed me over the limit."

"Does that mean you want to stay?"

"No!"

Joe pulls back. "Sorry. I was wrong to assume. Do you want to call a cab?"

"I don't mean never, Joe. It's just going to take time to be ready."

Of course Joe nods in understanding but he doesn't look any less hurt.

"Don't suppose you know a way to have sex fully clothed?"

The frown in response is hardly out of line. "Can't say I do. I've always gone for the traditional naked option myself. You're beautiful, Emerson, and whenever you're ready I'll be here. You could stay in the spare room if you want. I don't want to seem like I'm sending you away for not sleeping with me. I mean you can leave too of course if you want. It's your choice, this isn't some sort of hostage scenario. I mean you'd save on cab fare. Your virtue is safe with me and clearly I need to stop talking."

Emerson pours a little more wine into his glass and takes a sip. Joe will understand surely. He just doesn't want it to change how Joe looks at him. Centring his glass just so on the coaster he tries to voice the thoughts that have been driving him crazy. "I look forward to seeing you, outside of work I mean. I dread it too because you have expectations, you must have. You are so gorgeous, couldn't believe my luck when I realised the attraction was mutual. You like order, perfection, things being a certain way. The striping, it left scars and there hasn't been anyone since. I tried to look with two mirrors and while I couldn't see them properly, they look bad. They feel like these huge raised parallel lines. Part of it is not wanting anyone to see but part of it is worry that you won't like what you see. The only way I could look for sure would be to find one of those changing rooms with multiple mirrors but I've never sought one out."

"I wouldn't reject you. Yes my disorder makes me see the tiniest smudge on a beautiful painting or want to straighten books and DVDs in shops. Last time I was in Waterstones I nearly redid a whole stand before a sales assistant intervened. It's so much more than wanting things to be right, like if things are the right way then it somehow makes me safe. When it gets bad, no amount of counting or cleaning helps and you've opened yourself up to that just by being with me. You should be able to have your car radio at whatever volume you like, not some volume that I've deemed to be an acceptable number. Sometimes it's worse than others and you and the team have seen me at some of my worst times but I know there's some moment coming down the line when you'll see me struggle. Though I crave perfection, I'm imperfect myself. I can't demand perfection in others when I'm flawed myself. I mean who tries to reassure someone with mentions of kidnapping. You are beautiful to me and what was done to you was not your fault. I would certainly never be disgusted and you shouldn't be either. I have thought about sex with you, I won't lie and pretend I haven't. There's no rush though and I'll wait, I'm not in this just to get you into bed."

Emerson sighs with relief and they watch Sky News for a while before going to bed, separately. In the darkened spare room Emerson lies on his back with his eyes closed. He isn't a bit tired and though it feels stupid to have Joe so close and yet in a separate room he's too nervous about what might happen. Joe is polite enough not to recoil in horror but still the thought of being exposed to him is scary.

With a fuck it sigh, he pushes back the covers and makes his way quietly to the door. He wonders if the noise of the door closing will have woken Joe. He crosses the landing and knocks on the door.

"Come in."

"Is there a vacancy in your room?"

"Of course. I am naked though. You could pass me a..."

"I'll cope."

Emerson walks round the bed and gets in the other side. He lies on his side and Joe turns over to face him.

"I'm sorry if I woke you."

"You didn’t. We can just literally sleep together."

Emerson kisses him and pulls back. "I want more but... It used to be so easy, I'd meet a guy, flirt with him and sleep with him."

"You were that confident?"

"Yeah. It doesn't always show in my work life but in my personal life I was pretty self-assured. Now it's different." Emerson sits up a little and switches on the bedside lamp. "I never felt that I looked bad or worried about taking my clothes off. I haven't been this nervous since my first time. I hate that they've made me ugly."

"You're far from ugly. They had no right to touch you, to hurt you. Scars won't put me off. I'll show you mine." Joe rolls onto his back and lifts his arm a little. "I've had it for years."

Emerson reaches out and touches the almost circular scar. "How did it happen?"

"I was four and I reached across the table when my aunt was dishing up dinner. Mushy peas I think it was. I don't remember it of course but I'm told I screamed the house down."

"Bet you hated visiting after that or did you get spoiled to make up for it?"

When Joe pulls his arm away, it's then that Emerson realises he's been brushing his fingers back and forth across the scar.

Joe makes a face and then sighs. "I lived with my aunt and uncle after... Look that's a story for another day."

"It’s stupid to feel so nervous about this."

"I'm nervous too. I really like you, Emerson, and don't want to mess things up. If you're doing something you're not ready for just to please me, it could mess things up."

Emerson kisses Joe and whispers, "I want this, want you. Can you just go slowly please?"

"Of course."

Emerson takes off his t-shirt and drops it on the floor. He moves until he's facing Joe and takes comfort in the reassuring smile being directed at him. Reaching out, Emerson touches Joe's shoulder. Moving slowly he slides his hand down Joe's arm, pushing the duvet back. He places his hand on Joe's chest, "copy me."

The first touch is soft, a brush of fingertips across his chest. They kiss again, Emerson letting his hands wander a little. He gets to make Joe moan by trailing kisses along his neck. When he tweaks Joe's nipple it elicits a laugh but when Joe does the same, he moans. It's been so long since he was with anyone and surely Joe won't freak out or reject him. Summoning his courage he puts his hand on Joe's hip. Joe copies him after a few moments, thumb brushing the waistband of his boxers that feel like a last barrier to be overcome.

"Can I have the light off, Joe?"

"If you need it. You're gorgeous though."

There’s no trace of flattery or insincerity in the tone and if they can take this first step, this worry will be behind him.

Joe kisses him softly, so considerate and not rushing ahead. His touch is gentle, nothing like the brutality that made his hideous marks. He welcomes Joe’s kiss and moves his hand enough to feel his gorgeous boss’ arousal. He’s not ready for everything yet, doesn’t even know if Joe has a preference when it comes to sex.

"Wait a sec."

When Joe stops, hand frozen on Emerson's stomach, he is able to summon some more courage from his ever depleting reserves and pushes himself up a little to take off his boxers. The cover is still over him but he turns onto his front, resting his head on his arms.

"You can look."

He won't see the reaction this way, doesn't want to see the initial shock - even if it's not disgust the marks can't look good.

There's no noise not even a hint of a word when the duvet is pulled back but he startles at Joe's fingers on the top of his thigh.

"May I touch?"

God he just wants this part to be done with even if the thought of it has his stomach clenched. He awkwardly nods and closes his eyes tight as the fingers move ever closer but then Joe is moving his fingers across the marks slowly. He supposes he's lucky in a way not to have lost much sensation. He risks turning his head and watches Joe's face. Joe glances at him but then back down again.

"These marks mean you survived but they had no right. I hope you haven't spent ages worrying over this moment."

"Of course I have, this is me with my tendency to internalise every piece of criticism even the kind that comes from myself."

Joe bends down pressing his lips to the top of Emerson's arm. "You are just as beautiful as you were a few moments ago."

Emerson is covered up again with Joe smiling at him. "Perhaps next time, you won't see the inside of my spare room."

Smiling back at his amazing boyfriend, Emerson reaches out and finds his hand intertwining their fingers. "You've no idea how relieved I am. At one stage I'd convinced myself I'd just need to end things which snowballed in my head to having to transfer to a different station."

"And let them take something else from you?"

He shrugs, realising how dramatic it all must seem. It sounds silly out loud but he had agonised over how to handle things and now can't voice how happy he is to have taken this step. Wriggling closer to Joe, he initiates another kiss which turns heated with Joe throwing his leg over Emerson's but by mutual agreement they stick to touching and kissing. When it starts to get bright out, the morning finds them talking quietly and unsuccessfully trying not to yawn. Eventually he lets his eyes close properly and throws his arm across Joe's stomach.


End file.
